Aggervated!

Now dont get me wrong I love my family....I love them more then words can say...but I am sick and tired of being lectured and told how to live my life. I sent my sister a text to find out what was going on at church because no one was there....she calls me up and instead of asking why I wasnt at church she said "Well maybe if you actually came to church in the morning you would know what was going on!" Well I hadnt went to church because all day yesterday I had a digestive issue that I managed to solve with imodium ad but I still felt queezy when I woke up this morning and figured that I should stay home to make sure I was actually able to keep food in me. Thankfully I was able to but I mean seriously! She is also still bent out of shape over an incident that occured while at the TSO....where I supposively yelled at her. Move on life is too short to stay mad for so long. She was also bent out of shape over the fact that I "lied" to her about why I couldnt take Bobbys car to church one Sunday....him and I had been fighting and he took off well I didnt feel like telling my parents or her so I told them that he had gone to do something with his dad.....Well she got her feelings hurt when Jen told her what had really happened. Then after TSO she didnt speak to me for a while...well frankly thats not unusal, I figured once she got over being mad about whatever she was mad about she'd start talking to me again. Well evidently she got upset that I didnt seek her out because she wasnt talking to me....its not that I dont care, its that everytime I talk to her she LECTURES me about how I am living my life! Guess what I am tired of it! I am not listening to it anymore....I am not going to deal with being walked all over! I actually had to tell her I am not always going to do things that make her happy....that is not my job! I did my best to set a good example for her...and she chose not to pay attention so once I figured out it really didnt matter, and all the responisbilty I had felt was un-needed. I decided to live my life to make myself happy! Somehow to my sister this is wrong....I am an adult. Eventually, I was going to have to do it anyway. Trust me at one point and time there were tons of things she did that did not make me happy. As long as I am happy, why should it matter....oh thats right because they dont think I am happy....well for awhile I wasnt happy. But that had to do with me....some of it had to do with issues with Bobby and I but honestly a lot of our issues stemmed from the fact that I was depressed and not taking care of myself. That frustrated Bobby because I wasnt the girl/young woman he fell for. I was a shell of a person. I had lost the fire I once had. I didnt have the energy I once had, in fact I didnt want to do anything! At all not school work, not house work...I really didnt want to leave the house if I didnt have to. I am on new medication, Bobby and I are doing better, school is getting better. Life is going well......now I just need to find some new friends that wont run their mouth and understand the code of friendship. Oh well hopefully a happy post soon :-)...

So that evil stomach bug that everyone has had....

I think I now have it:-\ I have not been able to keep anything in at all today....Ive been taking Imodium AD in hopes that it stops....Bobby order pizza and it smells so good but I ate half a slice before feeling like I had to run to the bathroom. I will probably end up in bed early tonight for 2 reasons....being up early to babysit my friends son....just being tired from being sick....ugh this really sucks :-( I am hoping that it goes away so that I can go help my grandmother babysit my cousins son on monday since I have off of school and my grandparents have the baby!

News news news

So first off...I do not have an ear infection. My Eustachian tube is currently closed which gives the feeling of my ears being clogged...so I am on sudafed pe and afrin...here is open it works and that I do not actually end up with an ear infection though the dr I had today seemed to know what she was talking about and actually took the time to listen to my symptoms and actually looked up my nose, down my throat, and pulled back my ears to actually look all the way back into my ear unlike what had occured the last time I had went to the health center. So fluid actually coming out of my ear isnt a bad sign, my body is doing its job but if I get vertago like before again I need to go back and I will ask for this dr again!

Also Bobbys sister in law had a stroke sometime last night....we found out this morning and Bobby spent the day at the hospital with his brother and sister in law. She is alright to the best of my knowledge, she has intermediate use of the right side of her body and her left side is fine.

So thats about it I need to get a shower and head to bed....night!!!!

Preparing to be career minded.....

So today all of my classmates for the last two semester some of them even longer than that graduated....I am happy for them but sad at the same time....it never bothered me before but lately it has begun to bother me that I will only know one person when I finally graduate this May. I also now have the concern of finding a job. With the economy the way that it is now Baltimore Co. is starting to have financial worries on the education front. I am probably strange in the way that I want to teach in Balto. Co. specifically at the elementary school that I grew up in. It is not just a matter of transportation and convenience but the fact I get this area....I grew up here, played softball and soccer on the fields behind the school...there is a lot of history there. I have the feeling I will end up applying to and actively pursing a career in AA CO though, just because financially for me it makes more sense for me to work there....though it means transportation issues and waking up much earlier. Alrighty, time to look at the math grid and try to figure out what I am teaching tomorrow. Then off to bed. Night!

I started back....

To teaching this past week....Surprisingly my students were happy to see me. I say this because I know I am not always the nicest teacher. Usually I have just cause for not being nice, and I guess the students actually understand that. I also go into teaching with the idea that I am not the students friend, I am an adult, and I am their teacher. That being said, I respect my students. If they are talking to me I give them my undivided attention, and in return they usually give me theirs.

In other news I have gotten over my sinus infection, 3 nose bleeds later that is.

Also....I think that Bobby has finally gotten a clue about me. He has been trying to make up to being mean to me I think....one day he came home from work and had brought home my favorite ice cream. He has also been more affectionate towards me. :-)

So I still have New Years Eve photos to post and yesterday the zoomobile came to school :-) it was really cool.....they had Madagascar hissing cockroaches....a tortoise....a porcupine(which was incredibly cute!) and a Macaw(which was beautiful!). The porcupine liked sweet potatoes, and was a lot bigger than I thought it would be....and the Macaw was really cool, he would say his name, and cluck like a chicken, and he danced to twinkle, twinkle, little star. I will definitely have to post the pictures and video of that! Alrighty time to go...I gotta PEEEEEE lol

How did I get mysefl into this mess.....and how do I get myself out of it?

In high school, I was the bubbly annoyingly happy teenager....who really did not have a self esteem issue at all. I knew I was smart....and relatively pretty. So why now...or better yet....the last few years have I struggled with it.....I still know I am smart....and relatively pretty..... but why don't I feel good enough? Its to the point....its ruining my relationships. I have trust issues that I never had before....I feel like I am coming apart at the seams and I hate it. I use to try to live by the motto "fake it till ya make it" and sometimes it works.....lately it hasn't been.....I use to be able to throw on a smile and pretend I was happy and eventually I would be happy. I keep running into the same wall and instead of it budging....Im just worn out. Im tired...of fighting, and being made to feel I am not good enough....that anything the smallest thing isnt good enough....I just want to crawl in a hole.....I am tired of people not actually confronting me and being cowards and starting fights through texting.....I am tired of being in a relationship where my boyfriends idea of us spending time together is us being in the same house.....I am just tired. I am tired of my boyfriends brother living with us and stirring up shit because he's miserable with his life. I want a new life, somewhere far from here. I want a boyfriend who respects me, and treats me how I should be treated. I want friends who are truely there for me. Not just when its convient for them or when they are in between boyfriends. I want a family that doesnt judge me....and actually supports my decsions whether they agree with them or not.

*disclaimer* I am sick....so Im not thinking clearly....

So Ive decided, that when I have kids if I have girls, I will not not read them fairy tales, or let them play with princess toys....all it does it build a false sense of hope for something that does not truly exist. That's all Romantic Comedies do, that's all love stories and romance novels do....is build a hope that somewhere, someday a guy will come along and sweep us off of our feet, and we will go off and live happily ever after..... In reality, life never turns out the way it should, people die too soon....or not soon enough, people fight and those who shouldn't disappoint and hurt you will ultimately disappoint and more than likely hurt you the most. I've tried getting back to the optimistic girl that I was back in high school....and you know I'm not that girl any more. I'm not fully sure who I am any more. I've discovered I can't be someone I'm not and I'm not a girl any more. Realistically, I tried giving my heart to the wrong people.....and now I have a hard time determining who can be trusted and who is just there to use me until something better comes along. I tell myself I am not stupid or lazy, especially since these were my mothers favorite two words to use with me....but now I wonder if I really am these things. I wonder if I am really as smart as I think I am or if I am just really good at faking the smart thing. I am not a house keeper, and in that sense I am lazy, I hate doing house work with a passion. I think largely because I was always criticized for how I did things...never praised for even attempting to help....but always shown how it could be done better. I am tired.......just tired of all of it....tired of not feeling good enough.....tired of not being able to support my self.... tired of not having faith in myself.....and tired of being treated like shit. Alrighty now that Im done with the pity party....Im going to go.