so I realized something today

Well I went to church with my sister today and during Sunday school and the sermon something clicked....even though god does not approve of the way I am living my life, he still loves me and I can still worship him because no one is worthy of him, everyone sins and no one sin is worse than the other. Than tonight a church there was a family called the Birdsongs and they have their own band and its really neat and they are awesome!

So tonight

was good and bad.....Went to Sarahs birthday dinner....and it was interesting.....it was the first time I had seen Tony in 4 years, and I almost left....I felt like he kept positioning himself near me and talking to me more than what was necessary...and I dont know if it was because it looked obvious that I felt awkward or what but it was weird.....and I ended up sitting across from (which put me across from Steph and Tony) because even though I knew people I hadnt seen them in forever and it was easier to sit near people I felt comfortable around...because I do feel comfortable around Steph. I dont know....it was just weird over all, I mean I had fun.....but it was weird. It brought back a lot of emotions that I had not been prepared to deal with. On the other hand its been four years and I should be over it ..... I shouldnt have these emotions. I shouldnt see what made me fall in love with him to begin with....in fact I never wanted things to end and our friendship was always flirty so I am hoping that Steph doesnt suspect that I still have feelings for him...because if I step back I can see that its not that I have feelings for him I just miss what we had when things were good. I just hope that he looked at me and was like "dammmnnnnnn she looks fucking awesome and is doing really well....I fucked up big time!" LOL A girl can dream :-) Ok I need to shower and go to bed.....night.

In laws.....

So I have some thinking to do.....as usual. I am now really starting to get irritated with Bobbys brother....I love him to death, but he blows things out of proportion. I hate doing the dishes....do not like doing them at all....in fact I try to find ways where I use as little dishes as possible....but somehow I am the one that is expected to clean up after them. Rich comes home from work today and starts slamming dishes around...Bobby says sounds like you had a bad day at work and Rich was like yeah than I gotta come home to this mess....I was at school all day today! Seriously....the dishes will be there tomorrow....who said you had to do them today? Somehow I get the feeling that this will lead back to being my fault and how I do nothing around here...and how nothing has changed with me. So I need to decide if I really want my future children being raised around someone who's temper can be like his. Thats why I am going to counseling so I do not pass those traits on to my children. Plus just because you made bad choices in your life does not make it my fault nor does it give you the right to get an attitude with me because you feel your life sucks....guess what I dont care! I love you to death but I am over the pity party be a man admit you made mistakes and get the fuck over it.....sorry I tried to refrain from using the F word but I had too! Ok I am done my little rant and am feeling better time to get ready to go out with Jen!

PTK Alumni!

I am now an official Phi Theta Kappa Alumni Member lol....which means well right now I dunno what it mean lol. Well I think it means that I help support my local chapter, and help out in any way that I possibly can so thats fun! :-). My friend Meghan was elected to be the secretary of the alumni so she pretty much said that I have to go to every meeting with her. So I am ok with that. I just need to remember that, it is not as serious as they make it out to be and not get sucked into the stupid drama. I was there for less than 10 min last night and had to step back and be like NO! I am here to help if need be and to visit and have fun...I will NOT get sucked into being stressed out with everyone else because in the end it really is not that big of a deal. Which was a mistake I made the last time....I was stressed only because everyone else was stressed, and at the time I was extremely sensitive to how others were feeling and would internalize thier feelings as my own...and looking back I should have been the voice of reason going theres no reason to be like that.....but I wasnt....but now I can be :-D....honestly I am still wondering what I got myself into lol btu the rest of the alumni are wonderful and it really should be fun :-) I just have to be the voice of reason lol....alrighty Im gonna go now ttyl!

weird dream....

That I am not going to go to much detail into. But needless to say that whenever I have a dream about this particular person within a week I end up hearing from them or seeing them, which is very strange. On top of that, this persons life usually is not going so well when I do have a dream. So I dont know, because I havent talked to or seen this person in quite a long time nor had a dream with them in it I am a little concerned.....it should be interesting though! I know I am being vague I just needed to get it out of me though!

Angels and Demons by Dan Brown

In my opinion very well written (the book that is)! The author did an amazing job leading the reader down the path he wanted them to take, and I fell for it, there were parts where I questioned the misdirection but ultimately I fell right into Dan Brown's writing! I bought this book last Thursday, and just finished it....mainly because for me it was slow going....but I seem to remember the same with the Da Vinci Code (sp?). There are all these different stories going on at the same time and Mr. Brown easily and masterfully pulls the confusion together! I have no desire to see the movie Angels and Demons now...this book is just that good! I truly felt like I was on this adventure, in Rome chasing every clue down! Just fantastic!

Happy Valentines Day!!!!

So why is it when you need to have an emotional conversation with a guy that they pull away? I understand its not comfortable for them to talk about their emotions...got it. But I need to have this conversation with Bobby in order to prevent the same habits from occurring again. One of them just did, me getting upset and running away because Bobby can not seem to find the time for us to have this discussion. It is a whole lot easier to run away than to ask for what you want, at least it is for me. Which sucks, because I could be a whole lot happier if I could ask for what I wanted in a productive, assertive way. I understand he doesn't get it. Supposedly, he does not have these issues...though he can be even more passive aggressive than I am at times. I am glad that I am able to handle things better but maybe it should be a convo for when I am not pmsing like I currently am. Argh....stupid emotions....ok Im gonna surf the net some more since I can not seem to sleep....goodnight.