Life

As much as I love being a Mama, I miss having a life that didnt consist of changing diapers, cleaning up spit up and dealing with tears and not being able to figure out whats going on.....Then again....I do love the fact that as long as I am calm....Marty usually settles right down for me...and if he's sleepy he cuddles right in and goes to sleep. I love his gummy grins, and his squeals (that my mama, thought was hilarious to teach him...and as soon as he's able to understand the word no....or stop...we are getting rid of the high pitch squeals), and when he learns how to do something new....in the last week he has learned how to roll himself over from his belly to his back....reach out for a toy and push it around, and hold his bottle....we're still working on from his back to his belly....but he'll get there! He's also tolerating tummy time even more now that he's learned how to roll over and reach for toys!

That being said....I miss having a sex drive, I miss having time with my friends sans Marty (even though I have horrible separation anxiety), I miss wanting to put an effort into how I look....and I totally miss not being a size 18 which is almost impossible to find and looking for flattering jeans in the plus size section was horrible plus I wanted actual jeans....something that if Dan has to dump the bike, and Im with him will help protect my legs....not shred into a thousand pieces along with my skin. I miss feeling pretty. I dont want to just be Marty's Mama...though I love that title....I'm bored....I want to have more to talk about then my childs loose bowels, and how his diaper rash looks horrible.... I want to get out of the house.

I want to do something just for me....I feel like I give and I give and I give....and I'm drained. I don't feel like I have anything else to give....I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore besides Marty's Mama. I want Marty and my future kids to see me as more as their mother, as someone who has a life outside of taking care of them....My mom tried to that, but I think in the end she put us first so much she lost herself and now that we're both out of the house she doesnt know what to do....and I don't want that...I love my mom very much, and she did the best she could. But I dunno...I want more for myself, as selfish as that may sound....so I have more to talk about with my friends and husband than my child though he's very interesting...it does get old pretty fast...once the newness wears off....

b leh

So Dan wants to go into the marines....I dont want him too....Im trying to be supportive....but him trying to lose weight is being put before our son and myself....and honestly...I wouldn't even care if it weren't for Marty....When Marty gets older what is he going to remember more and what is going to mean more to him....that his daddy went into the military so his family could have benefits...or that his daddy spent time with him...and was there for all the major events in his life? My dad worked hard....but he always made sure he made time for Shannon and I. I feel like Dan's not doing that for Marty....I feel like losing this weight and going into the marines is way more important to him than, spending time bonding with his son. I understand he wants to be able to provide better for Marty and I....but honestly....struggling to get by from week to week, is way better than not having him around at all.