Saturday, January 31, 2009


Well I figured I would post something happy....and that is that things are slowly starting to look up...Bobby actually texted me to tell me he was making a change of venue....he hasnt done this in forever!!!! So Im not going to hold my breath...cause ya know I kinda like living.....but I think he's slowly becoming more considerate and affectionate...well the affectionate part is harder to describe so Ill save that for another blog. But here's hoping things keep going well! Night ya'll! PS Hi Dawn!!!!!!

Friday, January 30, 2009

My first semi-adult short story....

So for my "How to Write Fiction"class I had to write a short story only using here it is....right now I am pretty confident with it....though there is plenty of time for me to change my mind. I am going to share it and comments are welcome!

P.S. Hi Dawn! Miss you deary!

Caitlyn slowly opened the storm door and stepped out onto the deck. She looked out at the waves crashing into the white sand. The sun peaked out from behind a cloud and warmed her skin. She took a deep breath of the salty, sandy air and strolled out on to the beach, to the edge to the water. The water tickled Caitlyn’s toes sending a chill up her back. Taking another deep breath she ran into the water and dove in. Making even strokes with her arms, Caitlyn swam parallel to the shore, occasionally diving under to smooth her long brown hair out of her face. Her muscles began to tire and she headed back towards shore. As she walked out of the water, Caitlyn wrung out her hair and pulled her hair up into a messy bun. She walked across the hot smooth sand back to her house.

Once back at the house Caitlyn quickly showered and dressed, running late to meet her friends at their usual spot. She let her hair air dry and applied a small amount of makeup. She grabbed her cell phone and purse then hurried out the door.

Caitlyn and her friends gathered around their usual table, eyeing up their prospective male targets for the night. While Caitlyn sipped on her drink, she made eye contact with a tall, muscular, blue eyed, dark haired man. She smiled flirtatiously, and then quickly looked away and nudged her friend McKenna. “Is he headed over here?” she asked. “No, not yet.” whispered McKenna. Giggling, Caitlyn sipped on her drink again and sneaked a peek back over to the blued eyed man. She saw that he was still starring at her and she pulled her long hair over her left shoulder, exposing her slim, bare, tan back and giving a peek of her dolphins and hibiscus tramp stamp. Caitlyn nudged McKenna once more, “How about now?” she asked. “Nope, but I think he is interested,” McKenna replied. Caitlyn glanced over her shoulder just in time to see a short, plump red headed woman walk up to the blue eyed man and for the blue eyed man to wrap his arms around the woman and plant a sickening sweet, deep kiss on her lips. The red headed woman pulled away and beamed up at the blue eyed man, a shiny diamond gleaming on her left ring finger. She wrapped an arm around his waist and he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, they both headed towards the exit. Just before the blue eyed man walked out the door, he looked at Caitlyn with longing and then followed his fiancĂ©. “Damn” muttered Caitlyn.

Both Caitlyn and McKenna struck out with the men they had been eye balling, while the rest of their friends walked out hanging all over the drunken men they had chosen for the night. “Hey, did you want to hit the diner before heading home?” asked McKenna. “Nahhhh, I am going to head home, I am beat!” replied Caitlyn.

Once she arrived home she headed straight to the beach, stopping momentarily to slip off her thinly strapped high heels. She placed the heels on her deck, and buried her feet into the now soft, warm sand. The waves were now gently lapping at the shore line, with the moonlight casting a soft light on the beach. Caitlyn slowly made her way to the water’s edge and starred out into the vast ocean. A gentle breeze blew causing her to shiver. Two strong arms wrapped around her waist from behind, “You might be warmer if you actually wore real clothes,” said the owner of the arms. Caitlyn turned around within the circle the arms created “I’d rather tease and tempt you Aden, then be warm,” she said warmly, looking up at the blue eyed man. He leaned in to kiss her. Caitlyn pulled away. “So that was her?” she asked. “Yes, that was Melinda,” replied Aden, as he stepped forward and pulled Caitlyn close again. He attempted to kiss her once more, Caitlyn pulled away again putting more space between her and Aden. “You’re engaged now?” she accused. “Yes,” Aden sighed starring out into the ocean. “I wish you would have warned me,” sniffed Caitlyn, tears welling up in her eyes. “I guess this is goodbye then,” she said softly as she kissed him on the cheek, and slowly walked away, shoulders slumped and tears streaming down her cheeks. Aden watched her walk away but did not chase after her. He followed the water’s edge back to where he parked his car and drove away.

So be as harsh or as gentle as you would like...I will take any criticism into consideration!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Boredom at its best....

So today was the second class for my "How to Write Fiction" class.....As long as I remember to take my medication before leaving the house I should be good to go. He reminds me a lot of the character Matthew Mchaunhey played in We Are Marshal (great movie by the way, if you haven't seen it yet, you need to). So our first writing assignment is to write 2 pages double space or one page single space of a story that includes only action. No obvious use of emotion/ feelings/thoughts. So it should be interesting. I am partially dreading my physics class though and am half tempted to drop it or consider auditing it out of fear of failing. But then again, if I end up doing well in this it could help raise my overall G.P.A which I wouldn't mind in the least bit. Today is my long day at school and I will not get home tonight until around 9pm......hopefully my professor will have mercy on us and will let us go home early but that is doubtful since its a one day a week class....which in the end equals lots of reading and home assignments....Yippee! So I guess I shall begin my homework....yuck...since I still have yet to finish or even start putting together my JPTARR project....whoops....( I wish I could just forget about it and graduate anyway)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I need to start paying more attention to the news...

Obama supporters...your man is already starting to waiver...whats up that?

Anyway, I have a creepy feeling that maybe I will reveal at a later date....I want to see how things play out with this new president....I have a mistrust for charismatic people who can talk well and fast without fully explaining what they truly mean...and thats what I feel is occurring with Obama....but thats not the creepy feeling.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Was a pretty good first day back....though I did leave there with a massive headache....long story short its been way to long since Ive done physics and I cant remember the formulas or when to use the formulas...I am sure I will be able to pick it up though....or find a tutor. :-) I am hoping that Balto Co. Schools are closed tomorrow so I do not have to get out of bed in the morning I need to sleep in.


Yesterday the dishes got done and that was about it lol. But that is ok.....its better than nothing! Todays goal is to have a great first day of school....and possibly get some laundry done when I get home from school :-)

Monday, January 26, 2009

Todays Goal....

Ok so I know its 3:30pm and I am just making my goal for today but my goal for today is to wash laundry and fold it and to type up 5 of my lesson plans from the last few weeks. SO I guess its off to take care of stuff....ttyl!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

So I never

Really made resolutions for the new year....

  1. I want to lose about 20-30lbs this year. I know I am not obese but with the risk of diabetes in my family and always having been petite in the past carrying all this extra weight really sucks big time.
  2. I am determined to graduate this spring....No matter what I have to do to get there.
  3. I need to find a job....substituting, retail, something during this semester....just going to school will not cut it anymore.
  4. I will get a teaching job in the fall......hopefully in balto. co. or AA CO.
  5. I will buy a car this year! I dont care if it is new, I just need something of my own that runs.
  6. I will make more of an effort to hang out with my friends this semester now that I am not student teaching.
  7. I will keep my appointments with my counselor and psychiatrist because I am finally on a medication that is working for me! ( Like I survived PMS without any major breakdowns, or being extremely clingy with Bobby)
  8. I will go to church more may not happen every Sunday....but going to church and my faith was always a huge part of who I am, and since not going I have lost a part of myself. I may have to find a new church though because of my sisters behavior.
  9. I will try to spend more time with my family.
  10. I will not sweat the small stuff and I will remind myself...that it is all small stuff!
  11. I will be more discerning when it comes to people I trust.
  12. I will do my best to curb my jealousy of those who are getting married and having babies. (Though this will be a tough one)
  13. I will make a mental note of when I would like to be engaged by and if that date comes and goes then I know that it may be time for me to move on and try to find someone who is actually interested in being married and having a real relationship.
  14. I will do my best to continue to make my wishes known to Bobby about how important it is to me for him to make nice with my family. Especially if he wants to marry me someday.
  15. I will make it clear to my sister that I will not tolerate her bullying me into doing things as she sees fit. Just because she does not agree with how I live my life DOES NOT give her the right to yell and scream at me. Nor to make derogatory comments to me, about me or Bobby. Especially considering everything him and I have done for her in the past.
  16. I will pick my battles carefully, but with the battles I do choose to fight I will NOT back down nor apologize for how I feel.
  17. I will remind myself of the character pledge at Mars Estates because it is a great way to remind myself to start each day as a new day: Today is a new day I let go of yesterday and any mistakes I may have made. I am lovable and capable. I have unlimited potential. I will do my best today so that others may also do their best.
  18. I will make time for myself. To do things that I like to do every single day.
  19. I will remind myself, I am not the same person I was in high school or while I attended CCBC Dundalk and even though I liked parts of that girl/young woman and didnt like others it is alright that I am not her. I will remind myself I had troubles during that time too and life was not necessarily easier than.
  20. I will set a goal for myself every day no matter how simple and will consider my day a sucess as long as I attain that goal. I will also set a weekly goal and as long as that goal is met I will consider my week a sucessful week.
Wow! I wrote an aweful lot. But this is what I want to attatin this heres hoping I get some of it done :-)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The beginning of the end

So this time next week I will have finished my first day of my last semester at Towson :-)! I am so excited on one hand and on the other I am nervous...After this semester I have to find a job where I am teaching in my own classroom....which I am excited about but really nervous about lol. I am feeling apprehensive about starting next week, which is typical. I am mainly worried about not knowing anyone....or being one of the older students in my classes. I mean I am 24. I should have graduated two years ago. I already know that I am going to be putting some students in thier places with their behavior because Ill be damned if Im shelling out that type of money for my education to be ruined by some little idiotic brats! lol ...ugh so now I am freaking out over my loans around 26 Grand....which isnt bad....but for that I could have bought two cars or one really nice its a little disheartning to know that my starting salary for teaching is what I owe in student loans.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


Now dont get me wrong I love my family....I love them more then words can say...but I am sick and tired of being lectured and told how to live my life. I sent my sister a text to find out what was going on at church because no one was there....she calls me up and instead of asking why I wasnt at church she said "Well maybe if you actually came to church in the morning you would know what was going on!" Well I hadnt went to church because all day yesterday I had a digestive issue that I managed to solve with imodium ad but I still felt queezy when I woke up this morning and figured that I should stay home to make sure I was actually able to keep food in me. Thankfully I was able to but I mean seriously! She is also still bent out of shape over an incident that occured while at the TSO....where I supposively yelled at her. Move on life is too short to stay mad for so long. She was also bent out of shape over the fact that I "lied" to her about why I couldnt take Bobbys car to church one Sunday....him and I had been fighting and he took off well I didnt feel like telling my parents or her so I told them that he had gone to do something with his dad.....Well she got her feelings hurt when Jen told her what had really happened. Then after TSO she didnt speak to me for a while...well frankly thats not unusal, I figured once she got over being mad about whatever she was mad about she'd start talking to me again. Well evidently she got upset that I didnt seek her out because she wasnt talking to me....its not that I dont care, its that everytime I talk to her she LECTURES me about how I am living my life! Guess what I am tired of it! I am not listening to it anymore....I am not going to deal with being walked all over! I actually had to tell her I am not always going to do things that make her happy....that is not my job! I did my best to set a good example for her...and she chose not to pay attention so once I figured out it really didnt matter, and all the responisbilty I had felt was un-needed. I decided to live my life to make myself happy! Somehow to my sister this is wrong....I am an adult. Eventually, I was going to have to do it anyway. Trust me at one point and time there were tons of things she did that did not make me happy. As long as I am happy, why should it matter....oh thats right because they dont think I am happy....well for awhile I wasnt happy. But that had to do with me....some of it had to do with issues with Bobby and I but honestly a lot of our issues stemmed from the fact that I was depressed and not taking care of myself. That frustrated Bobby because I wasnt the girl/young woman he fell for. I was a shell of a person. I had lost the fire I once had. I didnt have the energy I once had, in fact I didnt want to do anything! At all not school work, not house work...I really didnt want to leave the house if I didnt have to. I am on new medication, Bobby and I are doing better, school is getting better. Life is going I just need to find some new friends that wont run their mouth and understand the code of friendship. Oh well hopefully a happy post soon :-)...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

So that evil stomach bug that everyone has had....

I think I now have it:-\ I have not been able to keep anything in at all today....Ive been taking Imodium AD in hopes that it stops....Bobby order pizza and it smells so good but I ate half a slice before feeling like I had to run to the bathroom. I will probably end up in bed early tonight for 2 reasons....being up early to babysit my friends son....just being tired from being sick....ugh this really sucks :-( I am hoping that it goes away so that I can go help my grandmother babysit my cousins son on monday since I have off of school and my grandparents have the baby!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

News news news

So first off...I do not have an ear infection. My Eustachian tube is currently closed which gives the feeling of my ears being I am on sudafed pe and is open it works and that I do not actually end up with an ear infection though the dr I had today seemed to know what she was talking about and actually took the time to listen to my symptoms and actually looked up my nose, down my throat, and pulled back my ears to actually look all the way back into my ear unlike what had occured the last time I had went to the health center. So fluid actually coming out of my ear isnt a bad sign, my body is doing its job but if I get vertago like before again I need to go back and I will ask for this dr again!

Also Bobbys sister in law had a stroke sometime last night....we found out this morning and Bobby spent the day at the hospital with his brother and sister in law. She is alright to the best of my knowledge, she has intermediate use of the right side of her body and her left side is fine.

So thats about it I need to get a shower and head to bed....night!!!!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Preparing to be career minded.....

So today all of my classmates for the last two semester some of them even longer than that graduated....I am happy for them but sad at the same never bothered me before but lately it has begun to bother me that I will only know one person when I finally graduate this May. I also now have the concern of finding a job. With the economy the way that it is now Baltimore Co. is starting to have financial worries on the education front. I am probably strange in the way that I want to teach in Balto. Co. specifically at the elementary school that I grew up in. It is not just a matter of transportation and convenience but the fact I get this area....I grew up here, played softball and soccer on the fields behind the school...there is a lot of history there. I have the feeling I will end up applying to and actively pursing a career in AA CO though, just because financially for me it makes more sense for me to work there....though it means transportation issues and waking up much earlier. Alrighty, time to look at the math grid and try to figure out what I am teaching tomorrow. Then off to bed. Night!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I started back....

To teaching this past week....Surprisingly my students were happy to see me. I say this because I know I am not always the nicest teacher. Usually I have just cause for not being nice, and I guess the students actually understand that. I also go into teaching with the idea that I am not the students friend, I am an adult, and I am their teacher. That being said, I respect my students. If they are talking to me I give them my undivided attention, and in return they usually give me theirs.

In other news I have gotten over my sinus infection, 3 nose bleeds later that is.

Also....I think that Bobby has finally gotten a clue about me. He has been trying to make up to being mean to me I day he came home from work and had brought home my favorite ice cream. He has also been more affectionate towards me. :-)

So I still have New Years Eve photos to post and yesterday the zoomobile came to school :-) it was really cool.....they had Madagascar hissing cockroaches....a tortoise....a porcupine(which was incredibly cute!) and a Macaw(which was beautiful!). The porcupine liked sweet potatoes, and was a lot bigger than I thought it would be....and the Macaw was really cool, he would say his name, and cluck like a chicken, and he danced to twinkle, twinkle, little star. I will definitely have to post the pictures and video of that! Alrighty time to go...I gotta PEEEEEE lol

Saturday, January 3, 2009

How did I get mysefl into this mess.....and how do I get myself out of it?

In high school, I was the bubbly annoyingly happy teenager....who really did not have a self esteem issue at all. I knew I was smart....and relatively pretty. So why now...or better yet....the last few years have I struggled with it.....I still know I am smart....and relatively pretty..... but why don't I feel good enough? Its to the point....its ruining my relationships. I have trust issues that I never had before....I feel like I am coming apart at the seams and I hate it. I use to try to live by the motto "fake it till ya make it" and sometimes it works.....lately it hasn't been.....I use to be able to throw on a smile and pretend I was happy and eventually I would be happy. I keep running into the same wall and instead of it budging....Im just worn out. Im tired...of fighting, and being made to feel I am not good enough....that anything the smallest thing isnt good enough....I just want to crawl in a hole.....I am tired of people not actually confronting me and being cowards and starting fights through texting.....I am tired of being in a relationship where my boyfriends idea of us spending time together is us being in the same house.....I am just tired. I am tired of my boyfriends brother living with us and stirring up shit because he's miserable with his life. I want a new life, somewhere far from here. I want a boyfriend who respects me, and treats me how I should be treated. I want friends who are truely there for me. Not just when its convient for them or when they are in between boyfriends. I want a family that doesnt judge me....and actually supports my decsions whether they agree with them or not.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

*disclaimer* I am Im not thinking clearly....

So Ive decided, that when I have kids if I have girls, I will not not read them fairy tales, or let them play with princess toys....all it does it build a false sense of hope for something that does not truly exist. That's all Romantic Comedies do, that's all love stories and romance novels build a hope that somewhere, someday a guy will come along and sweep us off of our feet, and we will go off and live happily ever after..... In reality, life never turns out the way it should, people die too soon....or not soon enough, people fight and those who shouldn't disappoint and hurt you will ultimately disappoint and more than likely hurt you the most. I've tried getting back to the optimistic girl that I was back in high school....and you know I'm not that girl any more. I'm not fully sure who I am any more. I've discovered I can't be someone I'm not and I'm not a girl any more. Realistically, I tried giving my heart to the wrong people.....and now I have a hard time determining who can be trusted and who is just there to use me until something better comes along. I tell myself I am not stupid or lazy, especially since these were my mothers favorite two words to use with me....but now I wonder if I really am these things. I wonder if I am really as smart as I think I am or if I am just really good at faking the smart thing. I am not a house keeper, and in that sense I am lazy, I hate doing house work with a passion. I think largely because I was always criticized for how I did things...never praised for even attempting to help....but always shown how it could be done better. I am tired.......just tired of all of it....tired of not feeling good enough.....tired of not being able to support my self.... tired of not having faith in myself.....and tired of being treated like shit. Alrighty now that Im done with the pity party....Im going to go.


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