Wow!

Tonight was amazing :-D.....I know things are moving really fast, and that freaks me out alittle bit, but I have complete and total trust in Dan. All I can say is wow :-D...and Im not sharing anything else about that ;-).


In other news, Shannon and I had a great talk tonight....it was difficult but it was great! I understand somethings I didnt before. Anyway, I just wanted to share.....Im going to sleep now because it is 3am and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Night!

yippee

So my little sister and I keep butting heads....because shes having a hard time readjusting to me living here.....shes the one that was all excited about me moving out of his house.....so why is she being bitchy....I mean really? Its a sucky situation and I am trying to do my best. I dont know what else I can do. I do what is asked of me and I try to keep my stuff out of the way. Shannon has also been giving me crap about how fast I have moved on. Mine and Bobbys relationship for all intensive purposes was over the moment Bobby stopped making an effort.....which was months if not years before I decided I wanted to move out and on. I tried to get him to talk to me about what was wrong and he decided he didnt want to work on things....or was only willing to work on things if it meant I was doing all of the work or changing and there was only so much of that I could take.

Dan on the other hand has been wonderful. He picked me up from the airport, and he made me a sign that said "Worlds Most Beautiful Princess" which I thought was super sweet! Though I did call him a nerd for it and I have been chastised for calling him a nerd by my mom and my nana. He also refused to let me carry my bookbag and suit case to the van from the airport and to the house from the van. He makes me feel like I am the most important person to him, which is a little hard to take sometimes, just because no other guy has done that before. But he comes in and says hello to my parents when he picks me up and usually stays for a little while to chat with them when dropping me off. He has been patient with my moods...because Ive been very grumpy lately....I think because I am sick or getting sick....and the cold weather....well cold compared to Texas anyway makes me want to sleep. In two weeks Ill be meeting his family for the first time and Im really nervous. I know it seems really dumb but I am. I want his family to like me because I like him so very much!

Texas was wonderful! I did not want to come home! I will have to post a few of the photos I took on here just to share with everyone!

Alright, I am beat! Hopefully my sis will go to bed soon so I can go to sleep!

In Texas....

Right now....Emma is sleeping in her high chair and Crystal is talking to her aunt I believe and I am here alone....wrestling with emotions. I feel bad about how I handle things with Bobby. Yes, he was an asshole. Yes, he stopped making an effort the last 6 months to a year. But that didnt give me the right to go and mess around with someone else. Granted according to Bobbys definition of cheating....I never cheated but....whos counting. I jump between he just was looking for a reason to kick me out and at that time it probably wouldnt of mattered what I had done he would have gotten rid of me to I really hurt him and maybe he did care he just was too pig headed to show it. Some days I feel guilty and others I am happy. It feels like I moved out of his house months ago not almost a week ago. I havent really cried much and to be fair I am much happier now.

Dan is awesome though. I am trying to take things slow, so we dont screw up. But he just makes me want to fall and trust that he will catch me....though I have this huge fear of hitting the ground and getting hurt.

Im going to get going....gotta get ready to go out!

an end

So the road was chosen for me. By Bobby. He found out that I had kissed Dan and then lied about it and also lied about wanting to move out. I only lied because I wasnt entirely sure of what I wanted to do. I knew I would more then likely move out but I just wanted to get through school before making any rash desicions. So for now, I am back at my parents house. I am not very happy about that but oh well. Thats life I guess. For those of you asking well how did he find out you were lying, the answer is I dont know. I have some theories but thats all that they are, theories. The one that seems most likely is that he was monitoring my lap top usage. If that is the case though then I am glad to be out. Bobby supposively doesnt care. Which if that is the case then we shouldnt be together anyway. Maybe if I felt like he cared I wouldnt of went looking elsewere. It wasnt like I didnt love him, I just got tired of not feeling like I meant anything to him. I understand that finaincially he took care of me, but my emotional needs were rarely met this last year and a half. I tried hanging out with friends, spending more time with my family, etc. But none of that filled the hole that was there that he use to fill in my heart. Another sign he didnt care, he just wouldnt talk to me any more. If something bothered him or him happy it didnt matter I rarely was allowed to see that side of him. In other news, Dan and I went on our first offical date last night, I know I get thrown out earlier in the day and then go on a date later that night.....doesnt look very good. But anyway, we went to see watchmen.....very dumb. Unless youve read the comic books you dont get it and neither dan or I understood it. It was a very nice first date though :-)....ok muchkin kid sounds like he may be waking up. Ttyl

A Crossroad

What If It All Goes Right

I am coming to a crossroad...or better yet standing in the middle of 4 way crossroad.... 1st road is sure to be safe and comfortable, but not necessarily an overall time of happiness. 2nd road is unsure but there's a lot of unknowns and a lot of change would have to occur. As anyone who knows me knows....I suck at change, it stress me out (which is kind of funny because I chose a non stable career lol), and I become a pain in the butt. I am also scared that I may end up on roads 3 or 4 if Im not careful with rd #2, I really like rd #2, it looks like fun and seems safe, and I am being urged to not continue on rd#1. Rd #2 seems like it will never be boring and though I will have to use my personal restraint more often, it definitly seems worth it. Which has beemI also have a tendency to look at the worst case senerio of life...which is why I like the song I posted the lyrics to because it reminds me that there are two sides of the coin...and if I do not take a risk, Ill just be wondering what if, for the rest of my life. Rd#2 has also made its self clear that they will not wait around forever. Which in all honesty I would not expect rd #2 to be there forever if I am still teetering on rd #1.I trust rd #2, so far I like what I see and what I am hearing. In all honesty I have a plan to start down rd#2. and I am sure it will work....I have a lot of support and Im pretty excited :-). Rd #3 would be an independent journey, which would still be unknown but could be interesting. Rd #4 would end me in a convent lol jk.....Rd #4 Would be an independent journey with the support of my friends and family. Preferably....I like rd#2. Though it looks scarey I wont know anything until I actually jump. It is terrifying, to know that a certain someone likes me this much, and to like them as much as I do....I know I have been rather cautious but I dont like jumping without looking first...everytime I havent looked first Ive gotten hurt. But I think I am getting ready to jump, instead of just toeing the water :-). On that note I am going to bed. Night!

"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." Vi Putnam

You, you don't really wanna stay, no /You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

Katy Perry ~ Hot N Cold
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down, down, down, down...

White Horse Lyrics ~ Taylor Swift

Say your sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to

As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you

Holdin' on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,I should've known
I should've known

(Chorus)
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To come around

Maybe I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings,
Now I know

(Chorus)
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To come around

And there you are on your knees
Beggin' for forgivness
Beggin' for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm soo sorry.....

That I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually
Treat me well
This is a big world
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror dissapearin' now
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now.....

Whoa ohhh ohhh ohhh oh
Try and catch me now
Ohhh
It's too late.....

So I read the book He's Just Not That Into You and I noticed that over half the book Bobby never does any of it, when we first got back together he did some of it but he hasn't recently,and when I say recently I mean with in the last six months. I also talked with my friend Dan and he said that its not normal to not have sex for 4 months....especially if you were having it before. Im sure there are circumstances where it is normal but in our situation no way....especially since I have been trying to initiate it. I am suspicious of Dan's motives because I do think he likes me and I mean I like him as a friend. But the line is starting to become blured and I dont know if its because he is paying attention to me whereas Bobby is not or what. I mean what Dan says sounds good in theory but as unfair as it sounds I'd make him prove himself because of how crappy Bobby has been treating me and I think I have seen it the whole time I just didnt want to acknowledge it. I mean, yeah if I ask to borrow the car he lets me, if I ask about borrowing money he hands it over, he takes me to the light rail station, occasionally he will pick me up my favorite ice cream and I mean I consider these things to show that he cares about me and I am being told that these actions are done out of obligation because of he's not actually spending time with me, or paying attention to me, or asking me questions about my day. I told him I wasn't coming right home after class, and I was asleep when he came home and when he left this morning....when he came home from work he didnt ask about my day or about why I didnt come home right after class, he hasnt even thrown a fit over me riding on the motorcycle with Dan, and its not like he even knows Dan, I mean hell the moment I tell my father that Ive been riding on a motorcycle he's going to want to meet Dan...I know this...thats kind of why Ive been putting off telling my family lol. Just very confused....my head says I am crazy for staying and my heart says that I am crazy not to stay because he has helped me out so much to get through school.....I know things arent going to be easy in a relationship but Im not sure Im suppose to cry as much as I have. I dunno.....Texas will be awesome to go to and escape for a bit! Alrighty....Im gonna go...ealry day for classes tomorrow!

So I have to Share this!!!!

My Friend Sam's 9 month old Son just said "Hey Mom"!!!! his first words!!!! so exciting!!!!

Anxiety.....

So my medication was upped today to 150mg because I felt like I was beginning to level out to how I was feeling back before I was on the medication. So I start that amount tomorrow and I pray to god that it works I hate going back to that person I was, crying over stupid stuff, not wanting to do my school work, and just all around feeling like crap. Of Course it also may not have helped that last week I went out drinking two seperate nights and had a lot both nights.....I really am going to have to curb the drinking alcohol....I like drinking, I like who I am when drinking, others like me when I am drinking, and that is a very bad pattern to get into and so I will not go down that road!

My dad warned me about being careful about who I tell that I suffer from anxiety and depression but I am not entirely sure why. Even though I am getting to the point where I refuse to let it control me it still is a part of who I am and makes up a part of my personality. I also feel that the more people talk about it the more awarness it will recieve and the less likely people are to go through suffering when there is no need too! When I first was diagnosed I wanted medication, but there was no real follow through with my doctor I felt good on the dosage I was on and he accepted that. My dosage was bumped up to what my father orginally started on and I felt a little bit better....so that is what I stayed on. When I started to feel crappy again instead of possibly trying something else he upped the dosage again....and I started to get frustrated because with the new dosage I didnt feel much of a change.
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So the computer at school I was working on shut down on me so I will just start from here.

Lately things have been up and down for me....today was an up day! I took my second motorcycle ride and lived to tell about it lol and I got to shoot a gun, well two guns actually, and had a blast! I can not wait to do it again! I am hooked! I want to try shooting all types of guns now lol! But riding a motorcycle should wait time its warmer its taken 4 hours for me to feel human again lol....In other news god has answered my prayers about money and has let my finanical aid go to pending status so hopefully...itll hit soon and I can get my rebate check before going on spring break and to Texas! Yes I am going to Texas to visit my friend Crystal and maybe, possibly seeing Ms. Aimee if she has money to meet us half way! I am so excited!!!!! I can not wait to meet Crystals little girl! She is so cute! alrighty I am falling asleep here....night!

so I realized something today

Well I went to church with my sister today and during Sunday school and the sermon something clicked....even though god does not approve of the way I am living my life, he still loves me and I can still worship him because no one is worthy of him, everyone sins and no one sin is worse than the other. Than tonight a church there was a family called the Birdsongs and they have their own band and its really neat and they are awesome!