Sick

So somehow I manage not to get too sick this past semester while dealing with some very germy second graders and taking the bus home just about every day after school. Well to be fair I did have a staph infection and looking back even though very painful and disfiguring for a short while, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But now that I am not constantly being introduced to new germs every single day, I catch the first cold I come into contact with....thanks to either my parents or my Nana....so now I think I have a sinus infection and a chest cold.....blah......I just hope Im able to kick it before next week.....granted Ill only have to teach one subject everyday, I'd still prefer to be healthy before being attacked by new diseases.

In other news, men are still confusing. Enough said.

Not really sure how things are with Bobby and I, I think we are ok after me telling him that he needed to look at the positive when it came to me instead of the negative.

Ok gonna go......

tired.....

Of being alone......since the last major fight Bobby and I had things really havent been the same. Ive been trying to give him his space.....but I feel like all I ever do is give him his space. We dont go out just us, we dont spend alone time together. Sometimes I wonder if Im the only one invested, truly invested in making us work.....and if thats the case, I tired of it. Im so worn out from the fighting, and the effort, and everything.....I just want to quit. I want to find a hole and crawl into it, and wake up when some solution has been reached where I didnt have to put an effort into figuring it out. I want someone who is going to dote on me...and not find fault with everything I do, who is going to look for the good in me. Im my biggest critic, I dont need anyone else pointing out my flaws.Seriously, inorder to completely loosen up and have fun and be me, I had to get completely trashed last night, which is fine because its a rariety for that to occur.....but at the same time its not alright. I want to be cherished, and valued for me depression, attitude, moodiness, etc. The good with the bad. Not one of us taking off over night because we're so angry. I dunno, maybe Im still hungover, or for that matter still drunk....see this is why I dont typically drink because the next day I feel depressed all day and everything gets too me.....pms doesnt help either....but Im just tired of all of it....Im tired of being jerked around, Im tired of being used, Im tired of the double standards, Im tired! Just plain tired......Alrighty I am done ranting and raving.....tomorrow is my 24th birthday hopefully its a good day :-)

Just another update.....

So besides my little rant...there's lots to report... First off we got the car back, and they replaced the door handle that has been broken for almost 2 years! Secondly, still no word on my portfolio. Next, awhile back in level I of the Elementary Ed program I had to write a children story. Well I wrote it, got my grade, and gave it to my cousins daughter for her first birthday.....now at 2 1/2 it is her favorite story to have read to her! My cousin encouraged me to look into trying to get it published....and while running my mouth to another friend I found out that he had a contact at Random House Publishing.....so he's calling in a favor I guess and is going to try to get my story looked at!!!!So even though its not a guarantee that it'll be published, its def. a start and something I am super excited about! :-D

I'm also beyond annoyed with my family. I think my parents forgot how much they fought when I was little....I mean it was ridiculous! Ive been with Bobby for 4 years straight we've lived together for 3 years of course we're going to fight! Of course one of us is going to leave on occasion to cool off and the other will not want to talk about it with their family! I understand that Bobby and I aren't married but still if you love someone you stick it out whether there is a piece of paper there or not! Then my little sister trying to lecture me on my BAD choices.....seriously if she wants to go there Ill go there....my decisions have been no where near life threatening as hers were....and I told her that the decisions she was making werent wise and then I backed off....I didnt fight her, I never judged her, I never went crying to my parents because I didnt know how to handle the concern I felt.....no you dont want to listen thats fine, youll figure it out on your on. I mean seriously, my sister is concerned over hearsay, and one little bickering session that was forgotten before the day was even over with! Whatever...... I dont like drama....I try to keep my life as drama free as possible.....with an anxiety/depression disorder I mean I need to keep myself drama free and then I have friends who for whatever reason have to go run their mouths off and start shit....grrr....whatever....Im going to bed....just done with it....I feel alittle better now :-) Night!

P.S. Dawn, just let me know if you need me to watch the kiddies! Thank you for your encouragement!*hugs*

So I just realized......

That I need to use more discretion when talking to my friends....because evidently they think its alright to diverge information to my family if they ask. No things with Bobby and I havent been a bed of roses but you know what relationships arent a bed of roses and I understand that....it sucks while were fighting and I may say things out of anger that I dont mean but that doesnt mean you go repeating what I say and than when I ask what was said, you lieing to me about it.....I mean seriously.....seriously. Not cool. Thats definitely something I would not do to you. The only time I would go to your family is if I thought you were in serious danger. Such as you were going to harm yourself or others, or someone was going to physically harm you! Its a joke.....I keep trusting people and I keep getting burned.....Im sick of it.

School.....

Is out for now for me.....its been an interesting two weeks but long story short Bobby and I are trying to work stuff out and I am hopeful we will. The Elementary Ed proagram has me livid long story short I was told to correct one of my artifacts for my prinicple did exactly what was asked of me and then told oh no what the first reviewers told you was wrong and youll have to teach a whole new unit in January. Which wouldnt be too bad because I love my students but its reallying with other things that have occured with some of my classmates. Besides that I am taking life one day at a time, I am seeking counseling again for my anxiety attacks and I am hoping to see the psychatrist on campus to have my medicine changed since Ive been on it for 4 years with little change. Good things that have happened....I got wonderful thank you/goodbye letters from my students the kids made me cry with them, it was soo sweet! I am in the process of making them book marks with a little note printed on them from me. I need to find something for my mentor teacher, she was wonderful!

I just love.....

being told I'm not having an anxiety attack when I clearly am. I have dealt with these attacks for 4 years if not longer.....I know what my triggers are and I know for the most part how to prevent my triggers from occurring....on some occasions though I do not keep up on my school work I get overloaded and I get severely stressed.....and therefore will have an anxiety attack. I also know what helps calm me down. I talked to one of my friends, who has a degree in psychology, explained to her my symptoms I had last night....she said what i described was an anxiety attack. So I had a bad anxiety attack on Thursday night, because of my portfolio wasn't anywhere where it needed to be to be finished....and I decided to wake him and ask him for a hug and to calm me down....and he took that as I was acting like a child.....and thinks that I wasn't having an attack because the behavior on the outside of what he could see stopped but what I was feeling didn't actually stop. But I knew that if the behavior that he was seeing continued he'd be even more mad and we would fight more and that wouldn't help. So last night i was too tired to fight with him being mad at me....I just went to bed. Today he was still mad at me....and instead of him talking to me about it he stormed off when I pushed the issue and ended up driving to NC and who knows where now.....he seems to think that my "anxiety attacks" arent real and I just act that way for attention....yes...Im that great of an actress where I can fake my chest feeling like its going to cave in and force myself to throw up and have a nose bleed...great feat, eh? Sorry Im not that good of an actress people. I cant cry on command. and evidently Im suppose to Inspire him....wtf? Seriously.....inspire him? how? Im at a loss....I tried to do cute stuff for him before....with no reaction....why would I try now....? Im not a muse.....Im human. I just dont know.....I know I need to change for myself....I do not like having motivation to do things.....I know I do not like having anxiety attacks.....but I do need to learn how to talk myself through them or to call someone who actually gets what they are like when they occur.....and surprisingly there were tears this time around but not nearly the same amount.....so it is something I can and will change I didnt use to cry like this and I will get back to that girl I once was and when I do that and he's still not happy well then we know the issue really never was me, it was him all along. ok Im exhausted....Im going to bed. Here is hoping things can get better sooner rather than later.