Still Struggling......

All I keep reminding myself is that I love him and he is who I want to be with. I willing to fight for him, to push for what we both have been striving for, for so long. I hoping and praying that we are all right and that we can get back to life as usual though not talking to him has been very difficult. In the end all I want is for him to be happy.....so if that means I need to let him go, than I have to let him go.....even though Im really hoping that him being happy means we can be together....I know I know.....so I read something interesting today. A quote to live by we should "Love through it all" So pretty much that means, love through the good and the bad and the really ugly and sometimes love does mean letting go. Even if you really dont want too. SO sleepy....ok gonna finish stuff and go. bye

Interviews

Went Amazingly well, I have no idea why I was so nervous. I had one principle out right say that if I was graduating in december she would hire me right now! So that was freakin' awesome I walked out of that interview with a huge smile! Baltimore County's interview was a little harder to judge.....I think they are trained to just ask the questions and take notes on our answers and not really interact or show emotion. But the woman that interviewed me was a middle school principal and she said that I should my content praxis(math, reading, science, etc.), so im guessing that is a really good thing! If only I felt like I could handle middle schoolers lol. In other news....Life hasnt been too bad...I still really hate not talking to Bobby.....Im hoping that he calls soon :-\ saying that he misses me. Than we can catch up and I tell him everything he's been missing

Completely Losssst.....

So....right now is day one of not speaking to each other :-\.....I already feel like a piece of me is missing....I fell and busted my ass while at school and the first thing I thought was Bobby would find this so funny....then I remembered....we're on a break I can't, well shouldn't speak to him....especially since the break was my idea in an attempt to salvage our relationship. Is it wrong that I hope that he speaks to me.....that I ache for him to call me, to hear his voice? Its so hard to not call him.....but I told him I wouldn't. Its so weird not to not call him.....to not be able to share things with him. I love being able to share my day with him.....I love him sharing his day with me. We have not, not spoken to each other like this since we had a major fight and took a break then. I hate it and I miss him :-(....ugh in other news tomorrow will be interviews....one more thing I wont be able to share with him :*-(....Im really nervous....but on the other hand I really do not care....I know I should....but I dont. alright gonna go

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming....

That's what I keep telling myself.....I hate this sinking feeling that the inevitable is just being delayed. But as I have explained to one of my friends.....I cant just give up that easily, if you love someone fight your heart out first than let go. I know they say if you love someone let them go if they come back their yours......but Im not a sit around and wait type of girl....so Id rather fight for what I want...and have a say in my future, than regret not fighting for him. Plus if I walk away....Im not coming back....I will not look back....I can not look back. The only way to move in life is forward. Alright....I just had to get that off of my chest.....Thank you to all of my friends who have been so supportive of me recently and who have lent their ears and their shoulders to lean on and cry on. Jen, Aimee, and Crystal....you girls are awesome! Thank you so much! I love you girls!

Funny how quickly life can change.....

Bobby and I had this HUGE fight last night......which pretty much came down to him saying that he felt it would be best if I left. The main problem he has is that I dont take initative....Ive always had problems self starting, even when I was a kid. This isnt news.....Somehow, I managed to talk him into doing a break for the week he's away we wont talk. On top of that, I need to find some way to get back to the doctors so I can have my medicine for depression/anixety changed. Granted it levels me out but I still need something to help me self start. I just have no desire to do anything.....school stuff gets done because it has to not only for a grade but because I can not let those kids down. But stuff around the house requires me feeling like doing it.....which is next to never unless I have a reason to do it. So as childish as it sounds I created a chart. With the things that Bobby said he'd like to see done more often. I am going to do two of the 4 things he suggested each day than on a seperate calendar I am marking with a sticker or smilie face where I self started without a problem....at the end of the week I will get a reward and then for a month Ill get a bigger reward. All I can do is pray that he will change his mind about breaking up. I feel like Im in the middle of some big weird, nightmare.....execpt I cant wake up. I love him more than life. I would do anything for him. I want him to be happy and more than likely its selfish, but I want him to be happy with me. So here is hoping that all of this will work together.....and he will change his mind. For a positive, though I did point out we have the ability to make each other laugh when we dont want to, and that even if we're mad at each other for most of the day there is usually one part of the day where we are still happy with each other.So i dunno...life has gotta get better because i have no idea if i can take anymore.....

Blah Blah Blah

Fall

The smell of autumn fills the air
Thoughts of childhood fill my mind.

Raking leaves just to fall into the pile
to first brush with falling in love.

The scent of falling leaves drifts by
taking me with it back to a first look,
a first touch, a first kiss.

The sound of fallen leaves under my feet
speak a reminder
of the nervousness and fear of the unknown.

The brisk air a reminder to excitement felt,
the wonder of falling so hard, so fast. Is he for real?
Does he mean what he says?

Dreams of snuggling close by a fire
Lovingly holding each other.

With time dreams fade
and even though together
its not the same.
______________________________________________

Just questioning where I'm at and where I want to be. Had anyone told me back when I was a carefree teenager that I would take 6 years to get through college to become an Elementary School teacher who lives with her boyfriend, I would have told them they were nuts. I don't regret any of the choices that I have made. But I do wish that I hadn't let certain events effect my confidence, or my attitude. But oh well....thats life....and I lost my train of thought so im gonna go now!

Today!

Was the best professional development day ever! I got so much done its rediculous....granted theres ton more to do but alot was done! I managed to plan all of my math lessons for next week which is teach week, which is a HUGE HUGE HUGE load off my shoulders!Alright thats really it! Update later when I think of more!

Puzzled.....

Soooo Great news on the graduation home front. I can take the class I need during mini-mester this winter and leave Towson with a letter stating that I have met the requirements for graduation and am qualified to teach elementary school and I will officially receive my degree in May 2009. Which is exciting and scary! But after this past Friday definitely more exciting. I had a substitute for most of the day as my supervising teacher and was able to manage the class without any trouble taught my lessons it all went beatifully and was exactly what I needed to boost my confidence!

But Im puzzled at the same time....once again I see friends and even family having babies and I think...that could have been me. If I hadnt broken up with Bobby when I had 4 years ago...we'd be married and probably would have a kid or kids of our own. Theres a part of me thats glad that we didnt because theres a very good chance I would not be anywhere near graduating but than at the same time....I want a family of my own....yeah borrowing other peoples kids is nice and I get my baby fix.....but then it makes me want to have my own family even more. I long for a little one to fill my arms....to have the sleepless nights, and getting to see all the firsts....I want to know what its like to have a baby growing inside of me, to feel it move, to kick, to hiccup. I know by waiting Ill value my family even more but I ache for little ones to be running around my house....driving me up a wall. I dunno....Well its time for a shower and to get lesson planning done for the week....Ill write more later!

keep your friends close....

and your enemies closer.....so yesterday Bobby and I were fighting over some stupid credit card bill which I havent paid yet and I didnt tell him cause it really wasnt that big of a deal.well I finally figured out how he found out about it and it wasnt through his clearance renewal....it was from a certain two people who used to live with us.....and I had asked them hhey ya know I really dont feel like dealing with the crap from Bobby right now so please dont tell him.....yeah....that didnt happen.....I guess they thought that telling him that would land me out of the house.....guess what it didnt! SO now its just a matter of time before this blows over....I will never speak to either of those people ever again though and if I do it will never be of anything of importance.....I also think I figured out who was trying to start shit saying I was "talking" to my ex Tony again. Which I wasnt.....so argh.....people cant keep their noses out of anything.