So tonight

was good and bad.....Went to Sarahs birthday dinner....and it was interesting.....it was the first time I had seen Tony in 4 years, and I almost left....I felt like he kept positioning himself near me and talking to me more than what was necessary...and I dont know if it was because it looked obvious that I felt awkward or what but it was weird.....and I ended up sitting across from (which put me across from Steph and Tony) because even though I knew people I hadnt seen them in forever and it was easier to sit near people I felt comfortable around...because I do feel comfortable around Steph. I dont know....it was just weird over all, I mean I had fun.....but it was weird. It brought back a lot of emotions that I had not been prepared to deal with. On the other hand its been four years and I should be over it ..... I shouldnt have these emotions. I shouldnt see what made me fall in love with him to begin with....in fact I never wanted things to end and our friendship was always flirty so I am hoping that Steph doesnt suspect that I still have feelings for him...because if I step back I can see that its not that I have feelings for him I just miss what we had when things were good. I just hope that he looked at me and was like "dammmnnnnnn she looks fucking awesome and is doing really well....I fucked up big time!" LOL A girl can dream :-) Ok I need to shower and go to bed.....night.

In laws.....

So I have some thinking to do.....as usual. I am now really starting to get irritated with Bobbys brother....I love him to death, but he blows things out of proportion. I hate doing the dishes....do not like doing them at all....in fact I try to find ways where I use as little dishes as possible....but somehow I am the one that is expected to clean up after them. Rich comes home from work today and starts slamming dishes around...Bobby says sounds like you had a bad day at work and Rich was like yeah than I gotta come home to this mess....I was at school all day today! Seriously....the dishes will be there tomorrow....who said you had to do them today? Somehow I get the feeling that this will lead back to being my fault and how I do nothing around here...and how nothing has changed with me. So I need to decide if I really want my future children being raised around someone who's temper can be like his. Thats why I am going to counseling so I do not pass those traits on to my children. Plus just because you made bad choices in your life does not make it my fault nor does it give you the right to get an attitude with me because you feel your life sucks....guess what I dont care! I love you to death but I am over the pity party be a man admit you made mistakes and get the fuck over it.....sorry I tried to refrain from using the F word but I had too! Ok I am done my little rant and am feeling better time to get ready to go out with Jen!

PTK Alumni!

I am now an official Phi Theta Kappa Alumni Member lol....which means well right now I dunno what it mean lol. Well I think it means that I help support my local chapter, and help out in any way that I possibly can so thats fun! :-). My friend Meghan was elected to be the secretary of the alumni so she pretty much said that I have to go to every meeting with her. So I am ok with that. I just need to remember that, it is not as serious as they make it out to be and not get sucked into the stupid drama. I was there for less than 10 min last night and had to step back and be like NO! I am here to help if need be and to visit and have fun...I will NOT get sucked into being stressed out with everyone else because in the end it really is not that big of a deal. Which was a mistake I made the last time....I was stressed only because everyone else was stressed, and at the time I was extremely sensitive to how others were feeling and would internalize thier feelings as my own...and looking back I should have been the voice of reason going theres no reason to be like that.....but I wasnt....but now I can be :-D....honestly I am still wondering what I got myself into lol btu the rest of the alumni are wonderful and it really should be fun :-) I just have to be the voice of reason lol....alrighty Im gonna go now ttyl!

weird dream....

That I am not going to go to much detail into. But needless to say that whenever I have a dream about this particular person within a week I end up hearing from them or seeing them, which is very strange. On top of that, this persons life usually is not going so well when I do have a dream. So I dont know, because I havent talked to or seen this person in quite a long time nor had a dream with them in it I am a little concerned.....it should be interesting though! I know I am being vague I just needed to get it out of me though!

Angels and Demons by Dan Brown

In my opinion very well written (the book that is)! The author did an amazing job leading the reader down the path he wanted them to take, and I fell for it, there were parts where I questioned the misdirection but ultimately I fell right into Dan Brown's writing! I bought this book last Thursday, and just finished it....mainly because for me it was slow going....but I seem to remember the same with the Da Vinci Code (sp?). There are all these different stories going on at the same time and Mr. Brown easily and masterfully pulls the confusion together! I have no desire to see the movie Angels and Demons now...this book is just that good! I truly felt like I was on this adventure, in Rome chasing every clue down! Just fantastic!

Happy Valentines Day!!!!

So why is it when you need to have an emotional conversation with a guy that they pull away? I understand its not comfortable for them to talk about their emotions...got it. But I need to have this conversation with Bobby in order to prevent the same habits from occurring again. One of them just did, me getting upset and running away because Bobby can not seem to find the time for us to have this discussion. It is a whole lot easier to run away than to ask for what you want, at least it is for me. Which sucks, because I could be a whole lot happier if I could ask for what I wanted in a productive, assertive way. I understand he doesn't get it. Supposedly, he does not have these issues...though he can be even more passive aggressive than I am at times. I am glad that I am able to handle things better but maybe it should be a convo for when I am not pmsing like I currently am. Argh....stupid emotions....ok Im gonna surf the net some more since I can not seem to sleep....goodnight.

Note to self.....

Reading Cosmo online....not a good idea if you are already worried about your relationship. Especially after the hug and kiss goodbye I got from Bobby, I feel like packing my bags and giving up. I know it took years for our relationship to get this sucky, and that it may take years to get it back to where it should be but I have doubts that it is worth it. I know deep down I would much rather fight with him than kiss or love anyone else. But does he feel the same way? I am finally not miserable but I feel like maybe he is....and I wonder if I am the cause. :-\I dunno.....Im tired which is probably causing all of this doubt. Goodnight.

How do you tell someone you dont care....

Without actually telling them you do not care? Oh that's right you act disinterested. I have tried this repeatedly with one of my friends and she continues on about her shame of a relationship with her quasi-boyfriend....honestly, I love her to death and will side with her on just about everything....but her staying with this guy she's with now is just a bad idea. She is just going to hurt him even more in the long run and then whine and complain about some other duchebag of a guy who is leading her on. Oh that's right, I told her long ago to end things with her current guy, and to stay single for a while....but does she listen....noooooooooooooo. Maybe I should run to her mom about it, like she ran to my sister :::Rolls eyes::: Argh!!!!



In other, news Ive been having doubts again....more along the lines of Bobby and I. Long term are him and I looking for the same things in a relationship? I ultimately want to be married...right now preferably to him....but I am afraid of what his answer may be. I have made great strides the last few months while being on this new medication and it just occurred to me today that I have to be patient with Bobby now. Patience is not one of my virtues by any means, at least not where adults are concerned. But I have hurt Bobby over these last few years with my behavior towards him. None of it was ever intentional just my emotions running away with me. So now, him and I have to build that trust between us again. I am trying to by sticking to my word by doing what I say I am going to do and by not getting upset to the point of hysterical tears. Case in point, This past Saturday Bobby and I had a disagreement which typically would have been a huge blow out in the past, but it didn't get to that point and frankly it wasn't that I didn't care that he was upset with me, because it did bother me....its just that I saw how he could have been more proactive about it, and became annoyed that he hadn't been....which is a rare turn around. I also apologized because I had partly been in the wrong for not letting him know I was making a quick stop elsewhere (or what I thought would be a quick stop). By the time he left to go out he was over it. So I dunno....I did get a little teary eyed....but nothing like the drawn out sobbing fests I would have before. So I am hoping that this medication keeps working...and that Bobby and I figure out where things are going sooner rather than later. Alright time to go class, I have class soon!

I had....

The most awesome day today! I babysat for my friend Sam. Her son is so adorable! I hope I have a baby just like him when I have kids lol! Than Sam and I, went to a coffee shop right by her work and sat there from 10:30-3:30 and talked! We did not even realize that much time had passed! It was great! Down side was...that when I called Bobby he was mad at me....cool thing was I flipped out originally liked called him back to see why he was mad. I mean if you're that concerned you know how the phone works! But he answered the second time and told me to stop calling. So I went to my grandparents house and spent time over there for a little bit and then came home and talked with him. Typically this situation would have sent me into crisis mode....and it didnt this time. In fact Im a tad annoyed for him not being proactive if he was worried or concerned...so oh well! A great day overall! Just needed to share!

I am sooooo excited!!!!!

David Cook last seasons winner from American is playing at.....TOWSON UNIVERSITY!!!!! Tickets go on sale Feb. 16th which of course I am not on campus that day but I am sooooooo going to go on campus just to get a ticket! I think he is so hot, I dont care if I have to go to the concert by myself its a once in a life time chance ya know! It really is the only cool event that Towson has ever had....so I must go! :-D I just hope that not many people read that daily digest email thing....usually I just skim over it and read if something catches my eye....so heres hoping it doesnt catch anyone elses! lol

American Idol....

I am so glad that they added another judge to American Idol because the bullshit cattiness between Paula and Simon is getting old and the new judge brings a new perspective and balances it all out....oh well just wanted to say that :-)

Interesting Observsation

I manage to become friends with my ex's girlfriends /wives or ex-girlfriends. I find this to be unusual. Two of the guys that hurt me the most I have become friends with their girls...or ex girls....One is Aimee....granted Rob was my best friend, and I was not Aimee's biggest fan in the beginning. When he broke up with her I was just accepting the fact that, that fall they would be married and I would be a bridesmaid in that wedding (hoping to be able to keep my mouth shut during the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part. I know, I know not my proudest moment, but what can I say I was only 17!). I was secretly glad/happy/giddy when they did break up....which was most evident to my parents...who knew, even though I did my best to conceal it, that I was head over heels infatuated with him. Little did I know that within a year, he would destroy all the unfounded trust I had in him (and in men in general), destroy our friendship, and break my heart. My world was unsteady as it was due to graduation from high school and moving away to college and for so long he represented stability in my life and with him gone I was lost. But while being lost I realized how lousy of a teenager I really had been. I was a major brat when it came to how I treated Aimee...in fact saying I was a brat is an understatement. I wrote her a letter and apologized for my behavior and said something along the lines of now understanding her pain. Aimee contacted me....and since we have been close friends...she is the big sister I have never had and I can not imagine going through some of what I have gone through without her support. After she moved to Texas, I felt like a family member had moved away, in fact I grieved more for her moving than I did my own Aunt and cousins moving to GA. Through Aimee I met Val...who at first intimidated me, but soon I knew that she was a great friend to have! Through Val I met Dawn and her husband and her adorable 2 children!

Also out of the loss of the relationship with I gained many more friends. I contacted Kay because of a nasty email I sent her because I was trying to stick up for Rob...and wasn't given all of the facts and being so young I did not even try to seek out all of the facts. Kay was very kind and quickly forgave me. She is one of the bravest, strongest women I know! Kayhla and I became fast friends and through her I met Nicki. Nicki and I bonded over our love of music and addiction to Karaoke ...well my addiction to Karaoke was born because of Nicki's and through her brother Wayne's encouragement. Through Nicki I met Pancake who has been a source of encouragement with school.

Then there is Anthony. I am now friends with his wife Stephanie....so far we are not close....but we have hung out before and I can see why Anthony never let me meet her....because I would have seen that they had a thing for each other. But she is very nice and I believe over time we will be good friends. I also have Sarah to thank for that...because had my friend Sarah not drug me out of the house one night along with her and Steph I would not have met Steph.

Anyway....I guess there really wasnt a point to this just felt like writing because I thought it is strange that the majority of the people I am friends with now resulted of bad relationships.

Superbowl Commercials...and among other things...

During the First Quarter this was my favorite....

During Second Quarter....Ray Lewis looks like a fairy lol....sorry I know I am a Baltimorean at heart but its funny!

I also loved this Etrade commercial lol

During the third Quarter...

Heros...even though I only watch periodically...this commercial is pretty awesome!

I also loved this Coke commercial!

During the fourth Quarter...

This was the first song I learned how to whistle! It also reminds me of a story that my dad told me about one of his coworkers whistling this song and who decided to start singing at the "if I only had a brain part" I dunno seemed funny to me at the time :-)

So our hot water heater went up....so Bobby and his father are in the process of trying to replace it...and I am hundry but I dont want to inadvertantly informing his father my idea of knowing when food is done is when the smoke alarm goes off....:::cringes::: I do my best but the toaster oven always sets that damn thing off! lol Alrighty food time More later!