Saturday, January 3, 2009
How did I get mysefl into this mess.....and how do I get myself out of it?
In high school, I was the bubbly annoyingly happy teenager....who really did not have a self esteem issue at all. I knew I was smart....and relatively pretty. So why now...or better yet....the last few years have I struggled with it.....I still know I am smart....and relatively pretty..... but why don't I feel good enough? Its to the point....its ruining my relationships. I have trust issues that I never had before....I feel like I am coming apart at the seams and I hate it. I use to try to live by the motto "fake it till ya make it" and sometimes it works.....lately it hasn't been.....I use to be able to throw on a smile and pretend I was happy and eventually I would be happy. I keep running into the same wall and instead of it budging....Im just worn out. Im tired...of fighting, and being made to feel I am not good enough....that anything the smallest thing isnt good enough....I just want to crawl in a hole.....I am tired of people not actually confronting me and being cowards and starting fights through texting.....I am tired of being in a relationship where my boyfriends idea of us spending time together is us being in the same house.....I am just tired. I am tired of my boyfriends brother living with us and stirring up shit because he's miserable with his life. I want a new life, somewhere far from here. I want a boyfriend who respects me, and treats me how I should be treated. I want friends who are truely there for me. Not just when its convient for them or when they are in between boyfriends. I want a family that doesnt judge me....and actually supports my decsions whether they agree with them or not.